85 days in the same place.

I'm lying in bed and looking at the picture on the wall. I've been doing it for at least an hour. Trying to concentrate. Kind of meditation, but I'm not trying to get rid of thoughts, I want to catch each and to think it over properly. I like to bring everything to the end. I'm a crazy perfectionist. But their number is infinite and they are crawling in my head like ants in an anthill. It happens to me quite often lately.

Still hampered by the fact that I think in two languages. Alternately. They switch by themselves and I don't know how to control it. It seems that I think in English until I stumble on a word or definition I don't know. Then the thought process switches to Russian. But at some point automatically switches back to English.

I got home after all my travels in August, almost three months ago. It would seem weird that I still think in English if you don't know that the top 10 of my contacts in Facebook , Skype and WhatsApp (so almost everyone I'm chatting with) are English-speaking. And at the same time it's very hard to meet with my Russian friends. Not very hard for me, but quite hard for them. They are constantly busy with something. And even if we manage to arrange a meeting, they can call at the last moment and cancel it. For an indefinite time. I am an unobtrusive person. After I don't get response from a person a couple times, I begin to think that the person is not interested and cease to communicate with them. Of course, not everyone acts like this. My closest friends are still with me and happy to see me any time. It is logical and predictable that I am like an alien for some people here. Some do not know what to talk to me. Some just envy. Some on the contrary feel sorry for me or think I'm stupid as they still don't understand how I could give up such a good career for my present lifestyle. Everyone around thinks I've changed a lot. Probably I did. Maybe not the personality but so called bio-field or aura. For example, I was always afraid of large dogs and small children. They didn't like me much as well. Now I'm all dogs' best friend and kids just love me. Especially babies. If I go wherever there are babies I'll end up with someone's baby for sure. In general, it turns out that I do not want to deal with some of those who used to be considered friends before.

Since I got back, I have always been getting rid of something. I've been giving away my clothes, shoes, books and other things. I've been throwing away a bunch of different stuff. I know that everything I need will fit in my luggage. I feel so satisfied when I get rid of it all.

I have no regrets, when I stop to communicate with many people. I don't want to see aggressive, ignorant, angry, jealous, depressed, and stupid people around. I am not in contact with them. I even unfollowed them in social nets. All those who like to argue, who can abuse other people and those who post shit 10 times a day (other people's quotes, horoscopes, selfies or (that's the worst) their own "smart" thoughts and their opinion on issues that they do not even know or understand). Maybe I'm arrogant, but I don't want to see this pile of information garbage. I'm not interested. I'm sure no one is interested. If you post/repost that useless crap 10 times a day and someone likes it, it probably means that he/she either wants to fuck you or expects that you will like their useless crap in return.

So, I started with the fact that I have been in Moscow for almost three months. It was my intention. I decided to stay here at least for three months. I've told everyone that I don't know for how long, but I actually knew.

When I was traveling in Georgia 5 months ago I met one guy who once told me: "it's easy to be the person like this (kind, sweet, calm, loving everyone and everything) when you just arrived from Bali" (привет, Сашка, если ты это читаешь). And somewhere deep in my mind, I knew that he was right at some point. Of course, the place doesn't change people. Bali is full of crazies and idiots. But the place helps you to reveal your qualities better. And when I say "place" I mean not just a point on the map, but the "place" where you're surrounded by comfortable conditions, this place can be anywhere. For me Bali=surfing+hot weather+good friends+favorite job. I can find this combination in many places on Earth. But not in Moscow. Some friends and job are here but there are big problems with surfing and weather. So I decided to challenge myself and spend 3 months here. I even decided to restart them after I came back from Crimea where I'd got unexpected job offer. If you ask me why did I need to do it, I'm not sure that I can give you the proper answer. I'm just a person like "It's interesting! Let's do it". One of my friends even tells that's how I'll get married one day (-Will you marry me? Everybody will be shocked!!! -That's cool! Let's do it!). Probably I had to prove myself that I'm exactly that type of person I consider myself. And I think I did it. I think I'm still kind, sweet, loving, etc... Just appreciate myself a little more.

Or maybe I should go back to Georgia and ask that guy?

I'm leaving Russia soon. My next adventure starts in 19 days. Honestly, I'm scared. I'm starting the new chapter of my life. Again. Nobody waits for me there. Again. I don't know what I'll be doing there. Again. I can't get used to it. (Information for those who thinks I'm totally fearless). I'm nervous. And excited at the same time because I can't imagine my life without it.

Why am I writing it? Partly because some people really like to read it. Partly because now there are a few less annoying ants in my head.

P.S. This is the picture I'm staring at right now. Taken by me almost four years ago in Belarus. Maybe tomorrow I'll look at something different and write something else.

SPECTER photography


Inna Nikitina